March is almost over..and before i knew it, there about 3 months left before i will officially be Mrs Leman..Right now i have to admit, mix emotions every day..half : I'm ecstatic about my big day..tak sabar nak kawen..I am so in love with Leman and i think i'm falling more and more in love with him every single minutes..Another half of me keep thinking and missing my late mother..every single day!..Sometimes, i have to force myselfnot to think about her, cause i would SURELY ends up crying..in public, im always the happy go lucky and jovial self..But whenever i think of my mom, i'll sure feel sad..I still can't believe she's gone FOREVER...She has so much spirit in her and she has always inspire me to be the best i can possible be..See..tats why i dun like to talk about her..cause i always ends up crying my hearts out..
Nih my wedding date is nearing,the more and more im missing my mom..i can't even describe my feelings with words..Losing her is my worst nightmare..and is the toughest "dugaan" so far..I really really really wish i could spent more timewith her on her sick days..this regret sadly i would have to carry for the rest of my life..even not being there when she finished her last breath..would always make me sad..i don't think anyone knows how i really feel..not my family, not my fiance..not even my close frens..cause when i hang around them, i always put on my brave face..even if people or her frens mention her i would just shrugged it off..and try to change the subject quickly, before i ends up having an emo breakdown in front of them..
some of them always said "Kesian ye mak tak sempattengok Ina kawen!!"..deeee..that's not a good way to make me feel better okay..and I have no power and no control over it..only the Allah AlMighty has that power..Sedih Sedih..Most of my wedding preparation alhamdullilah is according to plan..Got loads of help and support from Abah..kesian jugak tgk dia terpaksa melibat kan diri hingga ke semua details..kalau arwah mak masih ada, confirm dia tak sesibuk ini..
Selalu lah aku nih macam nih..sometimes i am driving, and im hit with waves of sadness over missing my mom, and i would cry..sometimes im lazing around..and i ends up crying..sometimes tgh makan pon rasa nak nangis..cuma tunjuk and tak tunjuk jek perasaan pada org..Sebab orang lain pon byk masalah masing2,So aku jarang lah nak emotional tak tentu pasal..tapi serius, kengkadang or more exactly setiap masa..aku rindu sangat kat mak..bayang kan, dah takkan ade mak seumur hidup ni..
nih nak kawen lagi 3 bulan, memasak pon tak khatam lagik..tuh among other things..the only pesanan that she keeps reminding me masa dia tgh sakit sakit dulu, is that always treats my mother in law well..no matter what, always be nice to your mother in law..sedihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
still cant believe it..kengkadang kalau nak mintak pendapat ke..nak tanye itu ini ke..kena diam sejenak sebab nak kena remind myself that i no longer have the privilege of having her in my life..the only good thing about me being super duperextra busy nowadays is that i have no time to think of anything or anyone else besides from all those damn outstanding accounts...
Just a note to all of you out there,do appreciate your mother while you still can..never take her for granted..bila kena marah tuh jangan lah melawan..trust me bila dah takde emak, nak kena marah pon rasa rindu!!
There's so much more i wanted to say..to do and to share with my mom..but dah di takdirkan it stops at my age of 25..I would ALWAYS cherish all those 25 years with my mother forever,..
Akan ku ceritakan pada bakal anak anak aku nanti what a great grandmother she would be if she's still with us..no one would ever replace her in my heart..i miss you so very very much mak..Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat..amin..