Saturday, August 20, 2011

The day i seek closure

Bloggng live from the hospital. Hehe.
It's soooo early in the morning, i have to wear the telekung waiting for the waktu (unlike normal days. Haha) instead.. And when you wait for subuh, rase cam lama giler.. Padahal kalau tak tu tetiba jek dah abes waktu. Haha.

So here i am, bertemankan Abang Leman tercinta tercongok kat waiting area Accident and Emergency Unit.. Sebab pagi bute nih klinik gynae pon tak bukak lagik.. Huhu..

The actual procedure will only be at 8. I was informed it is gonna be a short one.

The actual procedure don't really scare me. But the thought of going under (again!) does.. I hateeeeeee the feeling just before passing out.. It scared the crap out of me.. Haihh.. Seb baik procedure kejap jek, so pengsan pon kejap jugak.. Ko jgn terjaga tengah org robek2 sudah dot.. Huhu.. Now i am really scared.. Way to go menakutkan diri sendirik dot.. Hehe..

Despite being scared, i did not regret my choice for the procedure.. I tried waiting for the natural miscarriage to happen but no luck at all.. It's ok, cause my procedure, which is not exactly d&c, is called ERPCO (evacuation of retain product of conception). Th different between it and d&c is, instead of scaping the uterus lining (or endometrium it's call if i'm not mistaken), ERPCO will only evacuate (via vacuum) my gestation sac, but will leave my endometrium alone.. No scraping thank you very much. The endometrium will then collapse on it's own.. I was told it's gonna be heavier than perid and i bet more painful than my usual period pain either.. Huhuhu.. Nice.. Bole menghapuskan dosa2 kecil aku.. in a way, it's like part surgical procedure part natural miscarriage no?

With today's procedure, i hope i will find closure.. I can start healing physically and then i can start healing emotionally.. But i realized one thing. The first step of healing is ACCEPTANCE! So that i have gotten. Or given more like. Huhu. And i don't tend to overthink.. Accept.. Act.. Move on.. Maybe in my case, my pregnancy was still at a very2 early stage.. I'm sure the farther along the pregnancy, the harder it is to provide acceptance. Huhu.. Nauzubillah for this to recur in my future pregnancy.

1 more hour to go.. With zero make up or contact lens or perfume.. I am indeed not a definition of lovely sight.. Haha.. Well, maybe cantik sket daripada hantu kak limah.. Hehe..

See you people later.
Wish me luck!


Noraishikin Mohd Salleh said...

moga semuanya selamat kak dot. insyaAllah. tabahkan hati yer :)

Zuraida said...

Babe...there is 5 stages of grief and acceptance is the usually started with denial, followed by anger, bargaining and depression. So its ok to feel angry and sad but bear in mind you are not alone and everyone around you loves be strong. i pray that you will get better and this is only one small hiccup for a lot more better things you will be blessed with. Hugs!

Sash said...

I doakan yang terbaik utk you!!! Dont worry, everything will be okay. Take care :)

dot said...

Thank you ikin :)

Zu.. Haha.. Ade 5 ye? Itu utk org sakit teruk kot? For some reason, i don't have denial since all the evidene are staring right at my face, dun have anger cause i dun feel right being angry at God.. I have bargainig earlier.. And depression too.. So rupanye dah sampai final stage ye.. Huhu.. Bagus la.. Then can move on..thank you fren!

Thank you Sash :)